Physical Education Horror
by says who
Summary: It's Hermione's seventh year, and a new class is added to the Hogwarts curriculum. Physical Education. Hermione doesn't mind playing sports, but with the professor assigned to teach the classes,she isn't so sure about it. DHr fic. VERY OOC
1. Hermione the lucky duck

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Harry Potter. There I've said it, don't eat me.**

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"Welcome back students, welcome back," greeted Professor Dumbledore at the (what else) welcoming feast at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

At this point I took the liberty of tuning myself out to the rest of the speech.

I mean I already know what he's going to say. Stay out of the Forbidden Forest, hence the name, blah blah blah, look at the additional items added to Filch's list, blah blah blah.

I sighed, pushed back my curly brown hair, and made eye contact with my best friend Susan Bones. She gave me a grin and jerked her head to the right, indicating the person sitting right next to me.

Cautiously I turned to my left, only to see Ron looking absolutely rabid with his eyes glazed over, staring at the empty plate in front of him.

"Erm… Ron?" I ventured to ask tentatively.

No answer.

"Ok then," I say pointlessly as Ron is obviously not paying any attention to me. After waiting a couple seconds to see if Ron will miraculously reply, and getting no response whatsoever, I slowly inch my chair to the right with small squeaky jerks.

Loud squeaky jerks.

And as usual I was completely oblivious to how loud my chair really was, as I was engrossed in my hasty moving away from Ron.

Can you blame me? It was scary.

I settle down comfortably once again, and after a few seconds I realize that no one is talking. I assumed that it was because of the water I had gotten in my ear this morning while showering. I'm not usually that clumsy…. Ok I guess I am, but this time I had an excuse. I was taking a nice peaceful shower when I happened to look up at the corner of the ceiling and saw….

a spider.

Not just any old spider, nope, that would never happen to poor little innocent Hermione Granger. It was humongo, gigantic, absolutely enormous, the biggest spider I have ever seen. In shock, I tilted my head sideways, and got water in my ear, which is why when I heard no one talking, I assumed that it my ear was clogged with water.

To get it out, I turned my head to the side and started to lightly whack the ear facing up, so that the water would come out through the other ear, while staring at the scarily shiny, empty, golden plate in front of me. To justify my staring at the plate, I will only say I was shocked at its cleanliness. Shocked that the house elves are still slaving away even after my S.P.E.W campaign. Speaking of which, it's high time I started that up again.

Did I mention that the spider in the bathtub was hairy? Haha Harry, hairy. It cracks me up that Harry and hairy sound the same, so I start laughing to myself quietly. Pretty soon I start snorting too.

So while I am tilting my head trying to get water out of my ear, staring at my plate, and laughing to myself, I realize that I still can't hear any voices. Not even dear Dumbly-dore.

Slowly I lift my gaze off of my plate to find the ENTIRE school staring at me.

Crapstacks.

I must look like a freaking maniac.

I quickly straighten up, wipe the smile of my face, and smooth my skirt. Trying to save face, I glare around at the rest of the school and snap a dignified "What are you looking at."

That was my best glare yet. I mean I bet I even burned a hole in that titchy little first year's cloak sitting diagonally across from me. Everyone else hastily reverts their attention to Dumbledore who once again resumes speaking.

"Well then, I think this is the perfect time to introduce this year's head boy and girl, as you seem to have met the head girl already," says Dumbledore.

My cheeks turn pink. Oops. Whispers and laughs break out around the hall.

I am mortified. I slink lower into my chair.

"May I present to you, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy."

Ok, now I am absolutely sure that I have water in my ear. Did I just hear Dumbledore say Draco Malfoy?

I stand up to acknowledge the introduction, and I see Malfoy rising as well out of the corner of the eye.

I must be dreaming. This is not happening.

I pinch myself to reassure myself that it's all just a dream.

But of course it wasn't, as if Hermione Granger has such luck. That pinch actually hurt. Now I'm going to have a red mark on my arm where I pinched myself, _and _have to be head girl with Malfoy. The fates are _not_ on my side today.

I sit back down, and this time decide to pay attention to what Dumbledore is saying to avoid any more potential embarrassment.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Harry and Susan exchange amused grins and eye rolls. Oooh they are so dead when this speech is over. They are supposed to support me in times of utter mortification, not laugh at me behind my back.

At least Ron seems indifferent. Probably because he's still staring maniacally at his plate.

I sniff snobbily and revert my attention to Dumbledore.

"I would now like to make an important announcement," he announced. "In addition to all your normal studies, we are introducing a new mandatory class to the Hogwarts curriculum. It is a muggle class, but after observing the Hogwarts population, we teachers have come to the decision of instating a required physical education class. All students will learn and participate in muggle sports, as well as run timed laps around the quidditch pitch, and learn about living a healthy lifestyle."

I grin. I love muggle sports. I am most definitely not good at them, but they are fun all the same. I look around to see most muggle-borns smiling at the idea. Those who know nothing about a muggle physical education class look apprehensive, but after seeing the mostly positive response, relax into smiles. Except Ron of course.

I look over to my left. Nope, still staring dazedly at the empty plate.

I shake my head and catch Harry's eye. We both smile because we love playing muggle sports.

"Ugh. There is no way I am participating in that class. It'll ruin my hair if I get all sweaty and gross," complains Cho's traitor friend Marietta loudly.

Susan and I roll our eyes simultaneously, and mimic her silently with exaggerated gestures and eyelash flutterings.

I return my attention to Dumbledore once again as he waits for the excited chatter in the hall to die down.

"One last announcement before we tuck in. This is a surprise announcement to the staff as well," he continues.

I see Ron visibly perk up to the words 'tuck in', and am disgusted to see his tongue loll out and drool drip onto his plate.

"The professor overseeing these classes will be Professor Snape," finishes Dumbledore with a triumphant smile. "Tuck in."

Nobody tucks in except for Ron who hasn't heard a single word of the speech. We all gape at Dumbledore wordlessly in horror. Having Snape as a physical education teacher would be like, like, like… having Umbridge educate you on the dangers of unprotected sex.

Us students aren't the only surprised ones. Snape is wearing an expression of utmost shock on his face. I guess when Dumbledore said 'surprise' he really meant surprise, for Snape's mouth is also hanging open, moving soundlessly in shocked protest.

My hopes suddenly soar at this, as I think that Dumbledore might switch the professor if Snape objects. Yes! Snape has regained his senses, and is opening his mouth to loudly protest. But sure enough, Dumbledore shoots Snape a scary glare to rival my own, and Snape shuts up immediately.

At this I realize that we are stuck with Snape.

The grin that was plastered on my face slowly begins to droop off as I think to myself, 'Hermione Granger, you really are a lucky duck.'

**RevIeW**.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;..;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.;.


	2. And so it Begins

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Today was another brilliant day in the life of Hermione Granger. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and they were even serving chocolate chip cookies at breakfast.

My ass.

I woke up this morning with a tight feeling in my back because I had slept in an extremely odd position with my arms twisted in a different direction than my legs. I also found that while sharing a head dorm and common room with Malfoy wasn't that bad (because we rarely saw each other), we had to deal with each other's annoying quirks.

For example, last night, I had gotten almost no sleep because I was busy comforting a crying first year that missed his mom, dad, and pet fish Sam. When I trudged back up to my new dorm to try to enjoy the last hours of sleep I had, I found that stupid Malfoy had changed the password on me.

So there I was, sitting outside the portrait of the old witch that was intently painting her nails a puke-worthy green, which was the entrance to our dorms.

Luckily, the witch recognized me, and she let me in without further ado. Plus she told me what the password was, and oh what a surprise it was.

Hermione Granger is a buck toothed beaver.

Lordy lord, will he ever grow up? I mean I lost those beaver like teeth like 3 years ago (thanks to him actually). Give me a break. I mean at least I don't have a flat squashed nose like that Parkinson girl of his.

I immediately change the password to 'Malfoy the bouncing ferret'.

Hey if he can be immature, so can I. It's a game for two.

Anyway to get on with Malfoy's quirk, I wake up at 6 am to the sound of Malfoy singing in the shower.

SINGING

First of all, let me inform you that he was horrible. However, he was not only horrible at singing, but he was belting out the terrible noise coming out of his mouth at the top of his lungs.

Needless to say that I couldn't sleep anymore, so I got myself ready, and read a book until it was time for breakfast.

Did I mention that we get free dress every Monday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday now? Since today was Monday, I was dressed very comfortably in a pair of jeans and an old green shirt. The one thing I didn't really do this morning though, was look in the mirror.

I walked down to the Great Hall to meet Harry and Ron for breakfast, as well as get our new timetables.

I see Ron looking much more alive, and begin to comment on his rude state from last night when he blurts out,

"What happened to you, you look like shit."

I stop in midsentence. I quickly whip out a hand mirror and gasp. I have bed hair and circles under my eyes. I run a brush through my hair, stuff my hair into a ponytail, and glare at Ron.

I forgive him though because Ron is hopeless when it comes to girls.

Harry stifles a grin and says, "You'll always look beautiful to me Mione."

"Aaaaw, cut the crap Harry," I reply knowing that he's just teasing me.

Then Snape does his super cool, evil, swoop down on my students and swish my cloak thing as he passes our timetables to us.

Ron and Harry both make disgusted faces as he does this, but I look at him in semi-awe. I've always admired that he can do that intimidating thing. Of course I don't tell Harry or Ron anything about my secret admiration for his talent. I'm not stupid.

We have our new gym class first with all the other seventh and sixth years in all of the houses. This excites me, because now I can spend a class hanging out with Susan, which is something I rarely get to do.

My brain is slowly registering now that by all houses in the same class, it means that this will include Slytherin.

Oh joy.

Slytherins are such fun suckers. They don't even have to be present and they can suck the fun out of anything.

Breakfast is a hearty meal, and Harry and I warn Ron not to eat too much. We both have had past experience with gym class and know better than to drink lots of… stuff before going to class unless you want to upchuck everything.

Ron of course doesn't listen. When it comes to food, he is deaf to all that dare to say a word against it.

Susan joins us at our table, and we watch in awe as Ron shovels eggs down his throat at an amazing speed.

We both turn to each other wide-eyed and say to each other…

"Wow."

I have never seen anything like that. It's actually kind of gross now that I see bits of egg and spittle dribbling down Ron's chin.

And he wonders why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

As I am busy watching Ron fascinated by his stomach capacity, I notice a little exchange between Susan and Harry.

They both reach for the syrup at the same time and their hands touch. Ok that seems normal, what's weird about that right?

Well Susan blushes, and that is definitely not normal. It is obvious now that Susan has a bit of a crush on Harry. How cute.

Harry of course doesn't notice, being a guy and all. Plus he isn't self conscious as he used to be. He's more confident, and in insane flirt.

I feel a deep rush of pity for Susan, because Harry gets flirted with so often, and she must feel horrible when he flirts back. Which is always. Seeing that Harry is the boy who lived as well as a 'hottie', it's not surprising that many girls like him.

Wait. An idea has just come to me. Operation get Susan to tell Harry she likes him and get them together.

Operation GSTHSLHAGdoubleT for short.

After staring at those letters in my brain, they kind of remind me of Go Sloth, so I decide that it will be the name of my secret operation of getting them together.

After Ron finally finishes his fifteenth pancake, we all head for our physical education class.

My guess is that it will be interesting.

…………………………………………………………………

All of us students are gathered in the quidditch stands waiting for Snape's arrival. We are all dead silent just in case he is in a bad mood (which he invariably is).

Five minutes pass.

There is rising level of whispers.

Ten minutes pass.

People are talking now in their normal voices. Harry, Ron, and Susan are in deep conversation about how students stick their gum under quidditch bleachers and classroom desks.

I'm curious as to people sticking their gum under quidditch bleachers. I know people stick it under their desks, but I never thought people chewed gum during quidditch matches, or maybe it helps calm their nerves.

To check if there really was gum under the benches, I tucked my knees under me and bent my head down to see if there was gum.

I couldn't see any so I bent my head lower till I was hanging almost upside-down.

"Oh Lordy Lord! You are absolutely right Harry, there _is_ gum under these seats," I exclaim and promptly lose my balance as I tumble down the stands.

I shriek, once again at the wrong time.

Snape has entered the building.

Followed by an extremely cheerful Dumbledore.

What a contrast. I distinctly hear Snape cursing, while Dumbly-dore is happily placing a whistle around Snape's neck, and handing him a book on the rules of muggle sports.

"What the bloody hell is this," Snape grumbles gruffly holding up the whistle and shaking it furiously under Dumbledore's nose.

"Why it's a whistle Severus. It is a rather remarkable muggle contraption" he replies serenely with a twinkle in his eyes.

With that he grabs the whistle whilst it is still around Snape's neck, choking him in the process.

While Snape's face is turning from red, to purple, to blue, Dumbly-dore is oblivious as he demonstrates the use of a whistle through whistling shrilly repeatedly.

He seems to be enjoying himself.

"Oh Severus, I _am_ sorry. I'm afraid I didn't notice that you couldn't breathe. My deepest apologies. I do get carried away sometimes," Dumbledore apologizes as Snape leans against the side of the quidditch stands gasping for air.

As he gulps in air, Snapes face slowly returns to it's normal pale coloring, but not before it switches shades of color in reverse order.

All of us students lean forward in fascination.

I happen to glance at Dumbledore and notice that he is still enjoying himself. In fact I now think that he created this class for his own childish amusement. I once read in a book that when people get old and senile, they get more childish as days go by. Perhaps Dumbledore is finally going senile.

Either that or he is a cynical old coot.

I'm guessing the latter.

"Since Professor Snape seems to be indisposed at the moment, I would like to introduce you to your new class. Welcome to physical education."

Snape is still wheezing heavily, leaning against the stands for support. He makes an angry face at Dumbledore. If there is one thing Snape doesn't like, it's other people teaching _his_ class for him.

Neville's hand slowly raises.

Susan and I exchange eye rolls. We haven't even been told anything and he already has a question?

"Mr. Longbottom put your hand d…" Snape snaps and is interrupted by Dumbledore.

"Questions will be taken at the end of the class," Dumbledore says pleasantly, not noticing the death glare Snape is shooting at him for the interruption he made.

Oooooh Snape is muh-ad. This is bound to be amusing.

I look around at the rest of the students, and as if on cue, everyone leans forward in interest once again.

Parvati and Lavender are whispering furiously to each other. No doubt the entire school will have heard about our interesting class by the end of the day.

"I would appreciate it if you took your nose out of my business and left _my_ class for me to teach because _I_ want to teach it," Snape angrily bellows at Dumbledore, each word getting louder as he continues to yell.

Snape suddenly claps a hand to his mouth, looking absolutely horrified.

That's when I realized what he said. He said that he _wanted_ to teach us. Dumbledore tricked him. I really can't believe this.

"Well then Severus, if you really want to teach them that badly you can. I came down here to tell you that I would take the class over since you seemed so against it, but now it is evident to me that you really want to teach these young adults. I reassure you that I wasn't trying to steal away the job that you so badly want to teach," Dumbledore says lightly, while Snape gapes at how he was duped.

"But..but…," stammers Snape.

"Well then, Goodbye ladies and gentlemen," Dumbledore finishes nonchalantly, and leaves with a swish of his fluorescent purple robes.

"Well that was interesting," says Susan mildly as she and I observe Snape's horrified expression. "It's rather odd to see him wearing that expression two nights in a row, when I have never seen him make that face in all seven years here."

I nod in agreement.

Snape regains self control, clears his throat, and we all listen attentively. "Well then, here are the uniforms you will be required to wear during this class. You will be able to use the quidditch changing rooms to change into them, and will be expected to wear them at every class," he says gruffly, trying to hide his embarrassment having been tricked by an old man on the verge of becoming senile.

With that he tosses our new uniforms at us with a flick of his wand. Our uniforms consist of a shirt and shorts, rather practical if I say so myself, but it's the color scheme that shocks me.

They look revolting. The shirt is divided into four parts to represent the four houses, each one the color of a respective. In each section there is also the house crest, and smack dab in the middle there is a huge Hogwarts crest.

Eeew.

Oops I think I said that out loud because Snape is glaring at me now.

"Is there a problem Miss. Granger? It's too bad that you find the uniforms so revolting, because they go excellently with your repulsive face," Snape remarks coolly.

Oh my blubbering whales. He did _not_ say that. Of course I don't shoot a sarcastic remark back at him. He's a teacher. I can't lose house points.

Harry does however.

"I think you should stop talking about yourself professor, it's rather unnerving," Harry retorts in a seemingly indifferent tone.

Snape just snarls.

Yay! Harry to the rescue. Once again.

Susan is almost swooning on the spot at how he 'saved me from the evil clutches of Snape's evilness' in her words.

I can't believe Harry still doesn't notice that Susan likes him.

Boys are so thick.

We hear the bells of the clock in the astronomy tower strike eleven in the distance. I can't believe class is already over.

As the students clamber down the bleachers as fast as their legs can carry them, Snape shouts over the crowd that we should wear our uniforms to class tomorrow, and we are going to start with some sport called basketball.

I smile to myself because I love basketball. Maybe this class won't be so bad after all.

Sorry if you found this chapter disappointing, but I needed something to introduce the class to everyone. Plus, it was really fun to write. Hope you like it, and don't forget to...

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	3. Dust, Lists, and Operation Go Sloth

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* * *

I am now sitting in potions. 

I am bored to tears.

Literally.

I think I've got dust in my eye from staring dully at the grassy quidditch pitch outside the window. I'm actually rather proud of myself because I've gone thirty seconds without blinking. A new record for me.

However there is a price to pay for everything, and this time it is the bloody annoying speck of dust that is making me look like a freak of nature as I am crying out of one eye in a vain attempt to flush it out.

My eye the human toilet.

My eye the human toilet that is clogged because the flush is not working and I still have that stupid piece of dust floating around somewhere.

Aaaah I can't see. I think it has floated over my pupil.

"Aaaaargh it BURNS, it hurts, oh someone help me, I'm blinded, I think I'm dying," I scream as I flail my arms about helplessly. My life is flashing before my eyes. "My eye the human toilet is not working, I think the flush is broken, somebody help me get it out," I ask more calmly this time.

"I'll save you Hermione, don't move," I hear a voice say valiantly. Oh no, I recognize that voice and the owner is none other than…

Ron Weasley.

The same Ron Weasley who ended up puking slugs whilst really trying to curse Malfoy to oblivion. There is no way he is going to get that piece of dust out of my eye with a spell because I won't let him. Chances are, I'll end up really blinded for life if I do let him.

Probably even before he casts the spell because he'll poke me in the eye with his wand or something.

"NO Ron, _stay away_ from me," I say as I hastily scramble up and move in the opposite direction from his voice, stumbling blindly.

THUD

"I'm Ok everyone really, don't worry about me. I'm absolutely fine," I reassure. Being blinded, I seem to have crashed into something.

"Hermione just _stay still_. How can I help you if you keep bloody moving," Ron asks impatiently.

"No Ron I'd prefer that you don't try to fix this," I scramble to reassure him.

I hear him shuffling towards me, and sense that I've crashed into a desk. I can also sense that he is on the other side of the desk.

I hear him take a step to the right, and quickly side step the other way. I hear him take a step left and side step him once again.

"Hermione I'm trying to help here."

"Ron I don't want to puke slugs, I haven't forgotten the incident yet."

"That was my _wand's_ fault, not mine."

"I'd really rather not take the risk."

"Are you doubting my magical capability? Do you think I'm not good enough?"

"Ron you can stop any time now, you sound like an overemotional pregnant woman. Even adult wizards can get these things wrong, and I don't want to end up permanently blinded. Remember Harry's arm and the rogue bludger?"

"So now I'm a woman? And you're comparing me to Lockhart?"

"Um, yes"

"Oh. Come on Hermione it'll only be a second," Ron wheedles.

"NO Ron, NO," I say exasperatedly.

Throughout this whole exchange I am dodging him around the table, rather like two children playing tag with the person that's It on one side ofthe table, and the poor victim on the other side.

I hear Ron sigh and clamber over the desk between us, the only barrier between me and Ron's spell casting.

At this I scream, and run in the other direction. Still unable to see I crash into something else.

Except this time I'm sure it's not a desk.

"Lastima," I hear a voice mutter, and I'm instantly relieved of the dust in my eye and my vision is returned to me.

"Hurray, Hurray, I can see again. You are my savior and I am forever in your debt, thank you so much," and without thinking, I promptly smack a kiss on the cheek of my hero, and skip back to my seat.

I hear gasps all around me in the room.

I'm wondering why everyone is acting like this when all I did was plant a kiss of gratitude on the cheek of my hero.

Wait… I don't even know who I kissed.

Cautiously I turn around, and my gaze is met by silvery blue orbs.

Oh lordy lord, I can't believed I kissed Draco Malfoy. On the cheek granted, but still…

And he's smirking.

He is going to hold this against me forever. I can guarantee that tomorrow whilst innocently walking down the corridor, I'm going to hear whispers about the tragic love story between Draco and I.

Non-existent story, but I'm sure Draco will make up an interesting one to boost his ego. Probably something along the lines of poor, deranged, Hermione Granger is madly in love with the dashing Draco Malfoy who doesn't return her sentiments.

Oh dear, my stomach does a little flip as Draco breaks our stare with a triumphant smirk.

Usually flips like that imply attraction between two human beings, but that can't be.

I mean this is Draco Malfoy we're talking about.

Nuh uh, no way, nope, of course I don't like Draco Malfoy in any romantic way.

That stomach flip was just an upset stomach from the scare of being blinded for life I tell myself, trying to convince myself.

Tut, tut, silly me. Getting worked up over a silly upset stomach.

The odd thing is that during this entire exchange, Snape hasn't said a word.

In fact, just like Dumbledore this morning he seems to have enjoyed the whole thing, like it was a show of some sort. I swear, this is a conspiracy. Professors are using students as sources of entertainment.

Snape is now droning on and on about the polyjuice potion and its brewing process as if nothing ever happened to disrupt his class. He had been in an exceptionally foul mood today after our first official gym class. Must have been something to do with the fact that Dumbledore attempted to choke him with a whistle. But I think the whole dust in Hermione Granger's eye scenario has cheered him up.

"Miss Granger, I know that I'm rather attractive, but really, there is no reason to stare. I can already tell you flat out that the answer is no, I won't go out with you. Simple as that," drawls Snape in an obnoxiously cocky voice as the rest of the class covers up their smiles with their sleeves or disguise snorts of laughter as coughs.

Thankfully the laughter is not directed towards me for the first time in a long while. It's actually directed to Snape who is giving off the impression that he actually believes he is devastatingly attractive and oozes charm.

The only thing that he oozes is grease from his hair in alarming quantities.

"I'm really hurt professor, I'm afraid you've broken my heart," I say wryly.

That's when an idea strikes me. A rather brilliant one if I say so myself. One that will free me from this prison cell called a potions lesson.

"In fact you've hurt me so much, so deep inside my soul, that I feel rather ill. I think I need to visit the infirmary... now," I continue hopefully and add a few feeble coughs for good measure.

"Nice try Miss Granger, and I'll have you know that I'm rather well known for my talents with the ladies," Snape says, catching onto my sarcasm, and trying to justify his boasts of being a ladies man.

"Damn," I say a little bit too loud. Harry gives me a sympathetic look, as he has tried countless times to weasel his way out of class and has failed with similar results.

Wait, did Snape just say he's known for his talents with the ladies?

EEEEEEEEEW

I think I'm scarred for life.

The classroom door flies open, and in sweeps a radiant Dumbledore.

"Good afternoon students," he greets with a cheery wave of the arm, which smacks Snape squarely in the face.

"Afternoon Severus," he continues merrily, oblivious to the injury he has caused Snape.

"Why Severus are you all right? Why are you clutching your nose? Tsk tsk, don't tell me you walked into the wall again," asks a concerned Dumbledore, just noticing Snape.

"No you old fool. Your cheery waving hand smacked me in the face," grumbled Snape.

"Now now Severus, don't be a grouch. Now lets get that scowl off your face shall we? Smile Severus, it's quite easy. Did you know that it take less muscles t sm…"

"Smile than it takes to frown, yes I know," cuts in an evidently irritated Snape but attempts a smile.

Actually it's more of a baring of teeth than a smile. He resembles a garish clown, or a shark.

"Well then Severus, I came here to discuss your new class. What have you decided on as your first sport?" questions Dumbledore.

"Some ruddy sport called basketball, now will you please leave, you are disrupting my lesson," replies a peeved Snape.

"Oh stuff and nonsense," says Dumbledore airily. "The students can research the topic themselves and write you the essay. I imagine they are bored to tears with your lecture."

A murmur of agreement is heard through the classroom.

"Well Severus, I have decided that we will start with a different sport of _my_ choice. It will be a surprise. Now won't that be fun? I'll show up tomorrow for your class, and bring all the equipment we will need," Dumbledore claps his hands together like an excited child, and glides out of the room humming serenely to himself.

I think Dumbledore has finally gone to crazy town. I can imagine that whatever sport Dumbledore has planned for us is not going to be normal. I'm imagining our class taking turns wrestling the giant squid in the lake. Fondly dubbed the mammoth squid by Susan and I, after we observed him for days trying to prove Luna Lovegood wrong. She believed the squid was a crumpled horn snorcack, and it was our duty to prove that he was not the mammoth like creature.

Snape has a sour look on his face right now. I think it's because Dumbledore's trying to control his class again. Fawkes has just flown into the room with what seems to be a list in his beak.

Now Snape looks as if he has swallowed a whole lemon along with some Tabasco sauce. I think he's going to blow a fuse now if you catch my drift.

"Well students, it looks like Dumbledore is poking his abnormally large nose into my business again," Snape growls.

Hah, Snape shouldn't be talking about Dumbledore's nose. Has he ever looked in a mirror?

"You will have permanent partners for our physical education class for the rest of the year. I have the list here, and it will be posted up on the wall if any of you wish to see it," Snape grimaces. He loves his walls to be bare so they give the dungeon a dungeon-like feel. He has a bit of a fetish for clean stone walls. It's a little scary. Almost like Filch's obsession with hanging people upside-down from the walls in chains.

Snape pins the list on the wall with an expression of utmost pain written on his face, as he defaceshis beloved stone wallswith the offending list.

There is about a three second gap where no one moves, and all of a sudden there is a stampede to see the list. I cross my fingers on both hands hoping that my partner will be Susan, Harry, or Ron. I can't really remember if it's good luck or bad if you cross your fingers on both hands.

"No need to look Granger," I hear a voice say in a bored impatient voice as I attempt climb up Ron's back to see the list, because I'm too short to see it over the crowd. "We're stuck with each other."

Draco Malfoy. The ferretboy.

Nooooooooo. Why me? What have I done to deserve this?

Sure he joined the Order during the 'Great War', and ended up saving Ginny's life and all that, but seriously, come off it. He hasn't changed his asshole-ic behaviour.

"What are you making that face for Granger, you get to work with me, the sexiest man alive."

"Oh, I feel blessed," I say sarcastically.

"You should. In fact most girls would kill you to take your place as my partner, but musn't get too hopeful."

"Oh yes I'm so lucky, this is absolutely wizard."

"Yes you are lucky. You get to spend an entire class with the amazing Draco Malfoy."

"Be still my heart," I respond with sarcastic eyelash flutterings.

Draco finally catches my sarcasm and says some pretty nasty stuff.

"Language, Malfoy, language," I reprimand, amused at his cockiness.

"You…you….you little…," Malfoy struggles, face red with the effort of coming back with a cutting remark to rival my own.

"Impressive vocabulary," I observe.

Malfoy is scaring me a little now, because he is glaring at me rather scarily. This could potentially turn into a nasty war between us. But I suppose that's all part of the fun.

I mean, if there was a war between us, I would be the obvious winner.

Snape has now dismissed us, and for that I'm thankful because Draco's glare is making me pretty nervous now.

I know I'm going to pay for this tomorrow in some form, probably an embarrassing prank to go along with the tragic love story between Draco and I.

Harry, Ron, and I walk out together, and Susan catches up with us as she hurries out of her transfiguration class across the corridor.

"Hey guys," Susan greets us.

"Hey Susan," we chorus, sounding like we're good morning-ing Professor Umbridge.

"Uh Susan," I ask cautiously, "Why do you have a maniacal smile on your face?"

"Oh that… you remember Terry Boot?"

"Unfortunately," Harry says annoyed.

"Let's just say that he'll never be able to look a transfigured rat-teacup in the eye again."

Terry Boot had practically stalked Susan in fifth year. He wrote her letters that claimed that she was the butter to his toast, the sugar to his oatmeal, the ketchup to his eggs…and the list goes on.

In fact I think that Harry's annoyed because he's _jealous_. Oh that sounds so good in my head.

Jealous.

Harhar

Jealous Jealous Jealous.

Yay! Harry and Susan sitting in a tree K I S S I N G.

I once read that Eskimos kiss by rubbing noses. I wonder if Harry and Susan will kiss like that. Maybe they'll have children, and they'll learn to kiss the Eskimo way too. Maybe they'll have children! That would be so cute. They will have Harry's eyes of course, and Susan's hair, and their first child will be named Luke Oswald Potter. I'm getting excited-er by the minute, second, no millisecond.

"Yes," I exclaim. "Go make Eskimo babies!"

Harry, Susan, and Ron are staring at me funnily.

Err. I suppose that came out kind of randomly wrong.

"It all made sense in my head," I reassure them, nodding my head vigorously.

They laugh in understanding.

Actually, I think they're laughing at me.

How incredibly rude.

I open my mouth to tell them that when Harry slings his arm around Susan's shoulders and says, "If Terry bothers you again, I'll prank him so bad that he'll wish for a thousand detentions with Filch instead."

My anger dissipates and turns into an Aaaaw how cute... in a weirdly twisted way.

Except this time I make sure I say it in my head. This would be the perfect time to put Operation Go Sloth into action. The one where I get Harry and Susan together.

Harry's arm is still around Susan, so I clear my throat and say, "So Ron, buddy old pal, what do you say we go and do the thing that we have to do that Susan and Harry find boring so they don't need to come."

Surprisingly Ron catches on. I'm amazed. Finally, after six years of trying to teach him to pick up on emotions, he has gotten it. I mean the vibes between Harry and Susan are obvious beyond obvious, but for Ron this is a humongous step forward.

My little baby is growing up and is being mindful of people's feelings. Today shall be remembered forever.

"Um yeah so lets go do the thing," says Ron.

With that, I grab his arm and pull him away so Harry and Susan can have their alone time.

"Nice work Ron, I'm proud of you."

"Aaaw thanks Hermy," he teases as he fakes shyness.

I smack him lightly on the arm as he calls me Hermy because he knows I hate that name.

Ok I'll concede, that smack wasn't that gentle.

"Ow!" Ron shrieks as a resounding smack sounds through the hallway.

"Oh don't be such a whiner, be a tough man," I say, even though my hand is smarting from the impact.

I fill Ron in on Operation Go Sloth.

He thinks it's an excellent idea.

You rockHermione, I think to myself.

We even make up a few secret codes and signals. For example if I say 'Ron how do you spell defenestrate' it's actually code for 'I think we should leave them alone together', and if he answers 'I don't know, but I know the it's definition is to throw something out a window', then it means he agrees and we'll escape together.

We made lots of other codes up as well. I kind of regret making the defenestrate one now though, because it's become Ron's new favorite word. He uses it at every chance he gets.

"There you guys are, so did you finish the thing?" Susan asks as she and Harry spot us and mosey on over.

"What thing," Ron asks confusedly.

"The thing we just did Ronald," I say tiredly. Honestly, just when I thought he was getting better.

"Oh yeah. harhar."

"We had to send a letter," I clarify.

"Yeah, and we had to defenestrate Pig out the window because he kept crashing into the walls trying to fly outside," says Ron giggling.

I smack my head against my potions book as Ron continues to giggle. I should have never taught Ron new vocabulary.

After his giggles stop, and Harry's and Susan's backs are towards us, Ron pulls on his left ear twice, slides his finger across his nose, and does a complicated air handshake thing.

I repeat the action. It's one of our new codes.

Operation Go Sloth is officially in action.

**That's all for this one folks. I hope you enjoyed it. Please don't forget to REVIEW because I don't think I'll update if I don't get enough reviews to tell me to continue. As I said before I just want to make sure it's worth continuing. Also, a special thanks to _redlightspin_, who gave me a great idea for the next chapter. Anyway, hope you liked it, keep the reviews coming, and rock on people.**


	4. The DAY

**Hey you guys, this is a bit of a filler chapter. I didn't mean for it to turn out this way, but I started writing it and this is how it turned out. I _promise _that the next chapter will be the physical education class. Before I forget, let me remember to say that I credit some of the next chapter to _redlightspin, _whom I must thank for the idea.**

**Oh yes, I also must say that I love all of you who reviewed my last chapter. It made so unbelievably happy, and encouraged me to continue this story. Thank you so much for the encouragement. It really really helped.**

**Don't forget to review this chapter too!**

**Disclaimer: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I don't own Harry Potter, and neither do you. (Unless you're J.K. Rowling, which is something I highly doubt)**

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**Today is the day. 

Not just the day, but _the_ day.

Today is day two of our gym class, with Dumbledore choosing the sport that we are playing. Knowing Dumbledore, it will be probably be something he can amuse himself with by watching us poor innocent students being tortured.

Today is also the day of many other things.

Such as the day of the Draco Malfoy rumor. As I had predicted, whilst innocently walking down the corridor with Ron and Harry this morning, a first year patted me on the shoulder and said that it was all right to cry, and many a girl had been previously rejected by Draco Malfoy such as herself.

A first year. I mean I doubt first years even know how to tie their shoelaces, and they are already corrupted with attraction for the opposite sex? They are freaking eleven. At least Draco had the common courtesy to turn her down instead of using her, but I am shocked at the incoming students. They seem to be getting worse and worse, and I am getting concerned for the future of our school.

I put on a haughty I-don't-really-care-that-there-are-rumors-circulating-about-me air, by raising my nose in the air, shaking back my curls, and stomping off with Harry and Ron in tow. Except it didn't go that smoothly, as I couldn't shake my curls back because they were shoved into a ponytail. Plus Harry and Ron weren't really in tow. They kind of just stood there half asleep, and I had taken a couple of steps forward before I realized that they weren't following me, so I had to go back and drag them along.

At the smell of food in the Great Hall, both boys visibly perk up, and suddenly seem wide-awake. Why oh why weren't they like this when I was in dire need of their help to make a dramatic statement of showing I was above the rumors that plagued me? That is a very good question I think, so I ask them.

"Why oh why weren't you like this when I was in dire need of your help to make a dramatic statement of showing I was above the rumors that plagued me?"

"Erm," says Harry.

"What does dire mean," asks Ron rather stupidly if I say so myself.

But then again, when is Ron not stupid?

"What rumors?" asks Harry uninterestedly as he butters piece of toast. Actually he is buttering a goblet, but I don't think he really notices because he is staring at someone making her way over to our table.

Susan. Yep, Harry is staring just like I was staring out the window in Snape's class. Except for instead of staring out the window, Harry is staring at her legs… and her chest area.

I pretend to not notice Harry, but it's rather hard because his goblet looks unnaturally greasy and shiny with the large quantity of butter he has spread on it.

"The rumors Harry, you know, _the_ rumors. And dire means urgent, or desperate Ron," I answer tiredly.

Ron notices my tone of voice and says eagerly, "Are you angry at me Hermy-own? You could defenestrate me as a punishment. Or maybe defenestrating food items out the window will help you overcome your frustration." Finishing this sentence Ron giggles uncontrollably. Oh God, I am friends with a she-male. He sounds like such a girl.

I'm actually thinking about Ron's suggestion of defenestrating him.

Specifically out the astronomy tower window, so maybe I'll never have to hear the word 'defenestrate' again.

"Don't you think the word awkward just sounds so awkward?" he says chuckling to himself.

I just ignore him.

"Good morning Susan," I say politely as she sits next to me.

"Morning Hermione, Ron," she acknowledges with a nod of her head.

"What about me?" asks Harry pitifully making his adorable irresistible puppy dog face. Actually he looks like a puffer fish, but I think that puffer fish are cute, so it doesn't really matter.

"Hey there baby doll, what's shaking?" she asks in a sultry seductive voice.

My eyes are practically popping out of my head as she says this. I have never ever seen Susan like this. I'm not the only one taken aback. Ron is displaying the mashed up bacon in his mouth as it hangs wide open. Harry gulps nervously and then puts on a confident smirk.

"Nothing much babe," he manages to say, sounding like a tough manly man.

"So er Ron, do you know how to spell defenestrate?" I ask wincing as I say so, knowing he is going to take advantage of this code to say defenestrate once again.

For the first time I am wrong. Ron doesn't say defenestrate again. In fact I don't even think he remembers the codes from yesterday.

"What are you talking about Hermy, you're the one who taught me the word anyway."

"Heh heh, what are you talking about Ron? I said do you know how to spell defenestrate." I say very slowly, annunciating every word to make sure he gets the message.

To give him an extra push in the right direction, I stomp hard on his foot.

"Ow Hermione! I think you stepped on my toe," came the ever so intelligent response.

"I know."

"Oh. Why?"

"_Because,_" I say, jerking my head first towards Susan and then Harry.

"Oh OK," Ron says, oblivious to the code I'm trying to get across to him.

Well it looks like Susan and Harry aren't going to get any alone time today. They are currently making goo-goo eyes at each other, which is making me rather nauseous. I decide to tell Ron this.

"Don't worry Hermione, you can defenestrate your vomit out the window."

"That doesn't even make sense Ron." I scream at him. "If you say defenestrate one more time…"

"Defenestrate."

Oh no he didn't, he so did not say that.

Ron looks at me challengingly. "What you gonna do now Mione?" he asks tauntingly.

"I will… I will… I won't help you with your potions essay on the polyjuice potion."

"Ha, don't need it. We drank it in second year remember?"

"Well Ronald, you only _drank_ it. If I remember correctly, I'm the one who actually made it, and therefore is the one with the most knowledge of the potion. All you know is howthe potiontastes."

"Oh yeah," Ron says slowly, the memory coming back to him. "Please oh please help me Hermione. I'm begging for your forgiveness."

"Alright," I say, giving in quite easily. I can't help it. I know Ron will fail that essay if I don't help him, and I can't let my friend fail. I have too big a heart.

There is an awkward moment of silence, and both Ron and I glance over at Harry and Susan who are now making smoochy faces at each other.

Ron and I both exchange disgusted looks. They are so completely engrossed in staring at each other that they haven't heard a word of our argument.

Excuse me while I barf.

"So," Ron says loudly with a clear of his throat, obviously trying to change the subject to distract us from the disturbing images before us. "What do you think we're going to do in gym now, right after breakfast. I think our first class yesterday was ok, and I'm going to do good in the class."

"Well Ron, well," I correct with a sigh.

"Well what?" Ron asks confusedly.

At this I bang my head against the table, wondering why I even try to help my friends become smarter. Except for I kind of miss the empty part of the table, and my face smacks into a bowl of oatmeal with a loud splat.

"You have oatmeal on your face," states Susan who has finally stopped making googly eyes with Harry.

"How observant," I say sarcastically.

"I know," Susan says with a goofy smile on her face. She looks like she's high on drugs.

"Isn't she the best?" Harry says proudly.

"Aaaaw honey bear, you didn't need to say that." Susan titters.

"Yeah, you really didn't need to say that Harry," I agree and mime gagging, while Ron nods in agreement.

Harry just shrugs and continues with his breakfast. Ron and Susan follow suit, while I just sit there as I have already finished my breakfast.

I decide to amuse myself by torturing Ron. He is so fun to torture.

"Hey Ron, you know there's a spider in your hair," I inform him innocently.

"Where? Where?" he screams like a girl and frantically runs around in circles.

Ha Ha Ha. Now this is what I call entertainment.

"That wasn't funny Hermione," Ron growls as he realizes that I was lying about the spider.

"Yes it was," Harry, Susan, and I chorus at the same time.

Ron just grumbles while I continue to laugh at him. Suddenly, Lavender and Parvati come up to me and place their arms around my shoulders.

"Hermione, it's all right, just let out your feelings. We know how much it hurts to be rejected by the love of your life," Parvati sympathizes.

I squint at her in confusion, and finally realize after a couple minutes that she's talking about the Draco Malfoy rumor.

"Oh that's just a rumor," I clarify.

"You don't need to hide behind that mask of yours. We understand how much you're hurting, and we just want you to know that we're here for you," adds Lavender.

"Who are you in love with Mione?" Harry questions.

"No one," I growl.

"Draco Malfoy," Parvati informs Harry.

"Oh. Don't worry Hermione. He's just too stupid to see the beautiful person you are. I'll talk to him for you," Harry says supportively.

Ever since the final battle between Harry and Voldemort, where Draco turned good all of a sudden, Harry and Ron have been civil to him. Even friendly sometimes. Only I still consider him an enemy, and right now I wish they were enemies too.

"I loathe Draco Malfoy," I state, trying to correct their false beliefs.

"Of course you do honey, he just rejected you," Lavender says relaxingly.

"No, you don't understand, I despise him," I say desperately trying to get my point across.

"How come you never told me you liked Malfoy? I thought we told each other everything. I mean I even told you about you-know-who," Susan says referring to Harry, sounding semi-hurt.

"There was nothing to tell you. I don't like him," I persist.

"Denial," Parvati clucks sympathetically with a shake of her head.

"It's ok Hermione, a lot of girls like Malfoy. You aren't the only one under his spell," Ron says while patting me on the back.

"Why aren't you guys listening to me. I don't like Draco Malfoy."

"We know, but you'll get over it. Once you stop hurting over the fact that he doesn't return your feelings, you'll learn to treat him with indifference," Parvati says knowingly.

Ok. Now I'm really getting frustrated.

"Poor girl, she's taking this rather hard isn't she," Susan kindheartedly smiles.

"I am not," I say indignantly.

Harry, Ron, Susan, Parvati, and Lavender exchange sympathetic looks.

I have got to straighten this out.

"I do not love Draco Malfoy. I never have and I never will, so stop bothering me people," I yell loudly while standing up on the table.

Oops, the whole school just heard me say that, and have now also heard the rumor. Oh well, at least I have revealed the rumor's falsity just in case they did end up hearing it.

Susan, Harry, and Ron who know me well, finally believe me, but Lavender and Parvati are unconvinced. If anything, I think that yelling that has made them think that I've gone into deeper denial.

After a couple seconds of silence after my outburst, whispers finally break out. I strain to hear what people are whispering about.

I'm catching phrases like 'poor girl', 'denial', 'why would he reject her, she is hot', 'she isn't the first', 'broken heart poor thing', and worst of all 'it's obvious they are meant to be, wouldn't they look so cute together'.

Great. All I seem to have done is confirm people's beliefs that the rumor is true. At least Harry, Susan, and Ron believe me now.

I look over to the Slytherin table, to see Malfoy's reaction. He's probably laughing at me right now, or basking in the attention he is now recieving. As I finallyspotMalfoy, hecatches my eye and gives me a smirk. How dare he!

Actually he looks hot when he smirks. No Hermione. You did not just think that. Bad Hermione, bad, I scold myself.

Harry, Susan, and Ron apologize for not believing me earlier, and I accept their apology as we walk to our first class of the day.

Physical education.

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**Yup yup yup. That's all for this one folks. Once again sorry I didn't get to the physical education class part, but I thought the chapter would run too long if I added that in as well. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please don't forget to REVIEW!**


	5. Another day in the life of Hermione

**Hey you guys, I know that I promised you the class chapter. I know I didn't get to the sport in this one, but I will be updating extremely soon by Friday or Saturday. Anyway pleaseREVIEW you guys, I think I'm losing my supporters. It was really weird. One day I was on more people's favorite lists than the next day. Anyway enough of my woes, and I hope you like this chapter!**

**Disclaimer: If I did own Harry Potter, I would not need to go to college and get a job to make billions of dollars. **

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"Jingle bells Jingle bells Santa Claus is dead." 

"Ron please shut up."

"Teddy bear Teddy bear shot him in the head."

"Someone save me from this god-awful noise please."

"Barbie doll Barbie doll tried to save his life."

"Hagrid's never going to be friends with you again because he's going to think that dreadful cacophony you are creating is you torturing a niffler," I warn.

"But GI Joe from Mexico stabbed her with a knife."

"You are the worst singer that I've ever heard Ronald," I inform him slowly uncovering my ears as he continues to hum happily to himself. Ron and I have a strange relationship. Conversations between him and me are usually odd, involve mock fights, include sarcastic comments, comprise of many annoying antics, and usually end with me causing him some sort of physical harm.

But Ron and I have to stick together through thick and thin right now. Susan and Harry are still acting very peculiar and are walking together ahead of us. Both of us want nothing to do with the two lovebirds that haven't exactly realized they're in love yet.

"All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth," Ron suddenly bursts into song again. Why me, oh why me I am thinking. What I wouldn't give to have a super size roll of spellotape right this very instant.

Oh help me, Ron is doing a strange dance routing to go along with his singing act, which involves much pelvic thrusting and circle spinning. If we were in the Great Hall, I have no doubt that Ron would have breakfast items being hurled at him right now. Not that he would mind or anything. He would probably pick the food off himself and eat it while singing and chewing with his mouth open at the same time, making a lame joke about see food and seafood.

Thankfully we are almost at the quidditch pitch and will have to part ways because the girls changing room is on a different side than the boys changing room.

Twenty more steps till we sadly part ways. Heavy sarcasm on the previous 'sadly'.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt."

Thirteen more steps.

"So sexy it hurts."

Much pelvic thrusting is still occurring and I am attempting to shield my virgin eyes. This of course leads me too walking into a tree. Ron's favourite tree to be exact. The singing abruptly stops.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," gasps Ron. "You have desecrated the tree of wisdom, you will be appropriately punished. The tree god is angry at you and I can feel the vibes he's giving off saying that you are to suffer in the presence of an enemy for the next hour." Ron says fervently.

And he calls Professor Trelawny a madwoman. I bet the tree isn't even giving him vibes and he made that prediction by himself. It's not exactly a prediction anyway, he knows it's true.

"Erm I'm very sorry Ron," I apologize without really meaning it. Ron has been especially attached to that tree ever since he claimed it saved his life by providing him shelter in a raging storm that included thunder and lightning. I decided not to point out that standing under a tree in lightning is extremely hazardous as tall objects are more likely to be hit by lightning.

"Hermy don't apologize if you don't mean it." He turns to the tree and says in a very reassuring voice, "She didn't really mean to kick you buddy."

"Can we move on already Ronald, we're going to be late for class," I tap my foot impatiently as he continues to whisper to the tree.

"Oookkkkay Hermione, but don't blame me if you have bad luck today. It's karma," he whispers conspiratorially.

Ron's whole karma thing is actually bothering me a little. Fate won't punish me for walking into the tree right? I mean it was really Ron's fault anyway. If it weren't for his mind scarring pelvic thrusts, I wouldn't have been trying to walk with my eyes closed.

"See you later Ron, I have to go…. to um…. to the girls changing rooms," I say and hurry away from my crazy acquaintance.

I catch up with Susan and she stares into Harry's eyes for a long period of time before I pull her away. Just looking at the two of them making kissy faces is nauseating, and I have been feeling nauseated a lot today. First from Harry and Susan's staring at each other, then from Ron's pelvic thrusting, and lastly from the staring between Harry and Susan. I decide to tell her that I'm going to upchuck my breakfast if she doesn't hurry along.

"Susan my dearest friend, you really must stop making lovey dovey eyes at Harry….or I'll upchuck my breakfast on your new shoes."

"I'm sorry Hermione… it's just…"

"I know you really like Harry blah blah blah, so why don't you just ask him out?"

"What if he says no?"

"That's just a chance you're going to have to take Susan," I say as we amble over to the changing rooms where we meet many other people.

The girls' changing rooms can be compared to a mountain with an echo. Somebody will say something on one end of the room, and by the time everyone has finished changing, the whole female population will know about it. Today was no exception.

"We are so sorry we bothered you about Malfoy," Parvati says as she hurries toward Susan and me.

"Yes, we really didn't think that you were so heartbroken that a simple consolation would lead to you having an emotional breakdown in front of the entire school," gushes Lavender.

"Thanks for the reminder guys," I mumble to myself, knowing that it is futile to try telling them that I really am not in love with Draco. Susan knows this too, and shakes a sympathetic head at me.

I despise changing in the locker rooms very much. Whenever you strip off your shirt, you'll hear some sort of comment. Something like 'oh I love the colour of your bra, where did you get it?', or 'can you believe she was wearing granny undies'. If you ask me there is nothing wrong with wearing granny underwear. It is much more comfortable than wearing those thong things that ride up your ass.

Anyway remember what I was saying about the changing rooms and echoing mountains, and that today was no exception? Well, by the time all of us girls had exited the locker rooms, everyone knew about the apologizing Parvati and Lavender had done as soon as we entered. Five house points to whoever can guess what the latest hot gossip topic was upon exiting to the quidditch pitch.

I'm so unbelievably frustrated that everyone still continues to believe that Draco and I are a couple.

Oh my word, I just called him Draco. In my head, I know, but still… I really have to stop doing this.

Susan and I are walking to the quidditch pitch while having a contest to see who can take bigger steps. Of course I am winning because I always win at everything. Anyway, while walking Susan and I have put our superior intellect together to create a list that will enable us to survive this torturous physical education course. Not that we know that it will be torturous, but as with any class that is taught by Snape, it is a given. The first guideline on the list is to stay out of Snape's way. A rather logical bit of advice. Guideline number two is that if you do get into Snape's way, compliment him. Also a rather helpful bit of advice. Everyone loves compliments, and though Snape is definitely not a normal person, I'm sure he likes compliments as well. Guideline number three is to stay out of Snape's way as well. I'm sure that some might say this is redundant but then that is because they obviously haven't met the world's most hated professor.

All of the sixth and seventh years are gathered in the centre of the quidditch pitch anxiously waiting for Snape's usual dramatic appearance. Harry and I have a bet going today. Harry says that Snape will swish through us with his billowing black robes, parting us like Moses did the Red Sea, and will threaten to slowly strangle those who do not follow his instructions exactly. I say that Snape will storm in cursing everything in his path while muttering death threats towards Dumbledore.

Sadly we are both wrong. This is rather depressing, as this is only the seventh time I have been wrong in my entire life.

Once again Snape and Dumbledore arrive together. Dumbledore seems to be making animated conversation with a Snape that looks like he'd rather be neutering and spaying blast ended skrewts with chopsticks than be listening to Dumbledore's insane words. As usual Dumbledore is gesticulating madly, waving his hands in the air and making exaggerated facial expressions. As they come closer we can hear what they are saying.

"It's absolutely marvellous. Have you ever heard of this sport Severus?" Dumbledore questions Snape excitedly as all of us students lean closer to catch what sport it is that he's talking about.

"I'm sure it is," Snape says brusquely as if Dumbledore is a pesky fly that he is just itching to swat away. He takes a couple deep sniffs of the air with his abnormally large nose. "Do you smell something funny Albus," he asks distastefully.

"Oh I'm sorry Severus, I'll be sure to shower next time," apologizes Dumbledore as the rest of us exchange disgusted looks. Snape looks the most disgusted of all of us, but I don't really understand why, as _he_ is the one who has hair that defies the laws of nature with its greasiness.

"Sorry I'm late professor," we hear a voice say, and we all turn around to see who it is. Ok I lied. I didn't have to turn around to see who it was because I recognized the voice like the time before.

There stands Ron Weasley, red in the face and panting.

"You're late Weasley," snaps Snape.

"Who died and made you Captain Obvious?" questions Harry.

"10 points fro-," starts Snape, but is interrupted by loud snorts of laughter coming from Dumbledore. Dumbledore is now red in the face and bent over, with tears of laughter streaming down his weathered old cheeks. I'm a bit worried for Dumbledore as he is pulling a Luna Lovegood right now. I think he is bomb happy.

"Sorry Professor, it's just that I was trying to do my dance," Ron pauses to demonstrate while I shield my virgin eyes once again. Luna seems to be enthralled though I notice with a shudder. "Anyway," Ron continues after being stopped by multiple groans and cries of 'stop before I kill myself to stop this horrid image from being fed to my brain', "I was trying to do my dance and put on my uniform at the same time and got my head stuck in the arm hole," Ron trails off feebly

Can that excuse get any lamer?

"Your stupidity is not my problem Weasley," comes Snape's rather rude response, which is met by sniggers by Malfoy.

"Can it be my problem?" enquires Luna in her usual dreamy voice.

Snape looks at her like she is from a different planet so Dumbledore replies instead.

"Of course Miss Lovegood, if you want it to be," he says pleasantly with a smile.

I don't even want to know what Luna meant. If you read between the lines, you would notice that Luna just asked if Ron could be her problem. I shudder at the thought, though I suppose that they would make a good couple. Ron has the stupidity and gullibility, while Luna is… well, a complete whack job. They compliment each other perfectly.

Harry, Susan, and I exchange weirded out glances.

"Very well then students, now is the moment you've all been waiting for," declares Dumbledore with a dramatic sweep of his purple starry sleeve.

I wonder what sport it is that we will be playing…

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**Rather abrupt ending I know, but I wanted to stop it there so I could break this up into two chapters. The next one will be coming very very soon so watch out for it. (if you like this story that is, though I don't think you would have read up to chapter five if you didn't)**


	6. Thestral fun

**Hey you guys. Finally here is the chapter. I know that I said I'd have it done by Saturday at the latest, but my computer has crashed (because of me oops) and we only have one computer and three laptops. My sister, dad, and mom use the laptops and the computer is 'mine' so I am not really comfortable using them, so I don't think I'll be updating until my dad gets a new computer for me. (Which will hopefully be sometime this week.) I am not going to make any promises, and once again I apologize for the delay of this chapter, as I lost all the work I had done when my computer crashed.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Harry Potter. For those of you who are unable to read between the lines, I would not be wishing for something I already have**

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"Polo," says Dumbledore exuberantly with a Gilderoy Lockhart worthy smile.

Ok I think, that's not so bad. Polo isn't that strange of a sport at all. I'm rather surprised at Dumbedore's choice, and god forbid maybe even disappointed that he didn't choose a wilder game.

"I love Marco Polo," Luna informs we with a dreamy smile while openly staring at Ron.

"Me too," says Ron with a happy smile.

"Marco Polo Ron, not macaroni and pollo," I correct with a tired sigh. My friends are so stupid. The joyful expression that Ron was wearing quickly deflates. Everything that Ron thinks about relates too food.

"Now please get into your assigned pai-," Dumbledore starts and is cut off by a death glare from Snape.

"Sorry Severus, I keep forgetting that you are the professor of this class and I am just the bumbling old headmaster who keeps butting his head into business that is not his," Dumbledore chants while tilting his head from side to side, much like a six year old would do when his or her mother asks what the rules about answering the phone while she's in the shower are.

Snape simply responds with another glare and swiftly claps his hands together once.

Nobody moves.

"What are you bloody kids waiting for? Do you need me to spell it out for you?" Snape asks angrily.

"Of course not Severus, don't be silly. They don't need you to spell 'it' out for them. They already know how to spell two letter words,"

This time instead of a glare, Snape growls menacingly.

"Move it," he barks rather amiably. That is if you think a rampaging hippopotamus salivating for blood is amiable.

We all scramble to get into pairs with our assigned partners.

"Granger," greets Malfoy with a smirk.

"Malfoy," I say with a nod, glaring it him with all the glaring power I can muster. I am very pissed at him for spreading that rumor about me. Very very pissed.

"Eat a porcupine and die a painful death as the quills tear up the inside of your throat and stomach," I say angrily.

"Are you sure you won't commit suicide as soon as you hear the news of the death of the object of your affections," he shoots back at me calmly while maintaining a cool pleasant exterior.

What is happening? I should be winning this match of verbal sparring, I think upsettedly.

"Harrumph," I say with finality indicating that the round of fighting was concluded.

"Well then students, today we will start off with the basics of polo. You will first off learn how to ride a horse."

Learn to ride a horse. That is so not good. The only memory I have of horse riding is my cousin's tenth birthday party. This was of course before I started my year at Hogwarts, or else I would have jelly legged anyone who dared laugh at me. I'd rather not relive the memory so you'll just have to be curious.

Of course curiosity killed the cat anyway so you probably don't want to know.

I must say I'm rather surprised that Hogwarts has horses to play polo on. Hagrid has never ever mentioned them, though that may be because he's been too busy taking care of the castle's 'cuter' creatures such as those blast-ended skrewts he made us look after a couple years ago.

"Some of you might be wondering if Hogwarts has any horses at all that we can play polo with," says Dumbledore at the exact moment I finished thinking my thought. I think that he's a mind reader.

"The answer to that question is obvious."

Duh of course it's obvious I think to myself. Would we even be playing polo if Hogwarts didn't have any horses?

"No," says Dumbledore cheerfully with a self-appreciated clap of his hands as he proudly reveals the truth to us.

This takes me a couple of seconds to process and Malfoy and I exchange blank looks which promptly leads to us simultaneously making retching noises as we shared a 'look'. That is definitely not something you do with your enemy.

Malfoy's retching noises get louder, and I decide that it's time to stop so I do. Malfoy of course continues to do retch, and after a couple minutes the entire class plus two professors are looking at him strangely.

"Erm, sorry professors. Please do continue," Malfoy straightens up and clears his throat with a dignified sniff as if he wasn't spotted acting like a maniac just seconds earlier.

I point a finger at him and laugh silently, while he acts like sore loser and gives me a rude hand gesture.

"Now your loony headmaster had decided that you will be playing this bloody sport with substitute horses instead," grouches out Snape with a sour expression to rule all sour expressions. In fact it would be the emperor of sour expressions… or the czar, or shogun, or Kaiser, or king.

"Why Severus that was rather rude, I am most certainly not a loon," cries an outraged Dumbledore at Snape's statement. All he receives in reply is a pointed look from everyone else on the pitch.

"I'm just special. Even my brother Aberforth agrees with me," justifies a self esteem wounded Dumbledore.

"Yes, well, your brother Aberforth is also the one who got into trouble with the ministry for having his mountain goats piss on the statue of secrecy," points out Snape as Dumbledore sulks at the reminder.

"So where are the substitute horses?" I ask not able to stand it any longer. My craving for knowledge often gets the best of me.

"Around the corner and up your arse writing a potions essay," Malfoy proudly says and receives a high five and a 'good one mate' from Harry and Ron. I respond with three death glares.

"What it was funny," says Harry with a shrug. Even Snape looks like he is suppressing bursts of laughter.

How rude.

"That is a very good question Hermione. Here screech they screech come," says Dumbledore as he whistles shrilly in between his words.

What looks like thousands of thestrals comes galloping over to the quidditch pitch.

Thestrals.

Bloody sodding thestrals.

That is just about the most bomb happy sodding idea that I have ever heard of in my entire life. Half of the class can't even see them as you can only see them if you have seen death.

"Aren't they beauts?" asks Dumbledore fondly.

"What are?" asks Parvati confusedly as she obviously is unable to see the thestrals.

Suddenly an earsplitting scream splits the air.

"OH MY GOSH. Something's EATING ME!" screams a hysterical Lavender while attempting to shield herself by grabbing a branch of the nearest tree and smacking the 'invisible creature' violently. "Oh my hair, my nails, all RUINED! Bloody sodding class. Oh no it's after me again. Stay away. NO I SAID Stay AWAY."

"Lavender you are now forever cursed," cries out my dippy friend Ron with a hand covering a shocked 'o' shaped mouth while the other points shakily at her.

"Are you on crack?" she asks. "Stop you bedeviled creature!" she screams once again brandishing the tree branch in front of her much like one would a sword.

"You too have desecrated the tree of wisdom," cries out Ron rather inanely, referring to the fact that the tree that Lavender took a branch from was the tree of wisdom.

"I don't care about your sodding tree of wisdom," shrieks Lavender while whacking the air wildly in a vain attempt to fend off the offending thestral.

The rest of the class is not faring much better than Lavender. In fact the only people who can actually see the thestrals are Ron, Luna, Malfoy, Harry, Susan, Blaise Zabini, Neville, Hannah Abbot, Ginny, and I. This is not very many people at all considering that the class consists of around hundred students. Many people are screaming and running about madly, while others are attempting in vain to calm down the students as well as the thestrals.

Even the pompous Ernie Macmillan seems to have cracked in the face of unseen critters. "I challenge you to a duel you fiendish creature. In this battle of strength we shall see who will prevail. May the battle commence," he says flatulently while brandishing his wand.

In the midst of all the mayhem Dumbledore sneakily attempts to slip away, not wanting to partake in the crazy class anymore.

"Where do you think you're going you potty headmaster," Snape furiously cries while shaking a fist. "Don't you even dare think that you can just sneak away from this class after wrecking it."

At these words Dumbledore breaks into a sprint, whilst being hastily pursued by a huffing and puffing Snape.

Meanwhile Ron starts to yowl. "Stop this thestral, it's going for my crotch. No stop you little beastie, don't come any closer. Heh heh I was just joking when I called you a beastie. No come on… stay away from the manly jewels."

Malfoy and I are just standing back and watching the chaos from the safety of a tree. If there were ever an event to connect two people, it would be the knocking out of a mountain troll or watching a gym class being overrun by thestrals. Now don't get me wrong. Malfoy and I are still enemies, but it seems as though the hate we share isn't as intense as we watch our class muddle around, and we share many horrified looks and laughs.

I look over at Ron and see that he is still trying to protect his manhood as the thestral continues to creepily stare. Actually Ron is better off than most. At least he can see what the thestral is aiming at unlike most.

I actually feel really bad for Ron. After all he is my friend, so I make up my mind to remove myself from this ever so comfortable tree branch and rescue my dear amigo. As I begin to slide off the tree branch, earning an incredulous look from Malfoy as if he can't believe I'm leaving the safe haven of the tree, I see the thestral snort and get ready to charge at Ron.

"NOOOOOOOO," I bellow not wanting my best friend to be castrated.

At the exact same time Dumbledore, who is still being chased by a moonstruck Snape collides straight into Ron, knocking him over and saving him from de-manhood-ization in the process.

"Thanks Professor, you're the greatest," says Ron happily and salutes to Dumbledore who is long gone.

Malfoy and I exchange bemused looks. Suddenly Malfoy's bemused expression turns into one of horror. Curiously, I follow his line of sight only to see that Dumbledore is racing towards our tree at top speed. As he reaches the try, he clambers up with an agility that is plain abnormal for an old man such as himself.

"Hello children," says Dumbledore upon seeing us. "I suppose you wouldn't mind doing a favor for your dearest professor would you?"

At the base of the tree stands Snape shouting obscenities at Dumbledore while attempting to throw grass at him. It is a fool's errand though, as the grass is unable to reach the branch that we are sitting on. Draco and I look worriedly between Snape and Dumbledore. It isn't such a good thing to be between to arguing professors.

"Oh don't worry, Severus is rather afraid of heights. He wouldn't dream about coming up here, would you Severus?" reassures Dumbledore.

Unfortunately Dumbledore is wrong, and Snape scrambles up the tree knocking everyone sitting up there out. I find myself on the ground face to face with a menacing looking thestral.

"Heh heh good boy now I'm just going to walk away slowly, and you can just stay right there and…. eat some grass. Doesn't it look delicious?" I ask trying to distract it. In response it rolls back it's sightless eyes and rearranges his large leathery black wings. Doesn't look like a good sign to me. I look frantically side to side and find that Draco. erm Malfoy is right beside me, backed straight up against a tree trunk, eyes wide open in fear.

He is my only hope.

"Do something Malfoy!" I yelp.

"Why don't you?"

"I'm not the man here. Be a man not a wuss."

"You're a women's lib person, why don't you do something. After all you say that a woman can do anything a man can."

"I lied."

The thestral takes a few more steps towards us, and Malfoy and I cringe and press our backs even more tightly against the tree. I clutch his hand as if it is a lifeline and recite my last wishes.

"Please oh please let my NEWT's grades be good even though I won't be there to see them. Please let Ron live, and may Harry and Susan marry each other," I chant fervently.

"Granger will you stop it, this isn't the time or place to be doing this," mutters Malfoy out of the corner of his mouth.

I shoot him a nasty look.

"Then do something," I hiss menacingly.

"Fine."

"Hey there Mr. Thestral, or is it all right if I call you thestral?" asks Malfoy politely. The thestral whinnies and stamps its hooves in response. "Ok then, I guess not. So, I was wondering. Would you perchance let us go if we gave you some hay?" offers Draco.

At that very moment Ron walks around the other side of the tree, and smacks right into Draco and I.

"Ron," I hiss. "Whatever you do, do NOT turn around."

That was a huge mistake.

Ron turned around and promptly started to scream.

"You moonstruck moron, I told you not to turn around," I bellow.

"Jeez Hermy keep the volume on the down low," says Draco.

"I'm sorry, maybe I'm just a tiny bit hysterical right now because I am going to be maimed be a thestral," I say in a tight high pitched voice.

I grab onto both Draco and Ron's hands and squeeze my eyes tightly shut.

"I have a plan," whispers Malfoy and Ron and I eagerly listen. It's actually a pretty good plan.

"Ok Mr. Thestral," I say with a clear of my throat. "We would like to propose a contract. In exchange for our freedom, you can charge at Professor Dumbledore and Snape instead."

Malfoy and Ron nod vigorously in agreement.

The thestral seems to understand as it bows, and turns around to rage after our professors. Unfortunately Snape who is near by seems to have heard me.

"Detention to all you three," he howls as he sprints past us. "Of all the nerve, setting a thestral on your professors." Instead of running after Dumbledore, Snape is now running with him, away from the thestral that is chasing them both.

"Why don't you get rid of them with your wand professor," I yell back at Snape.

"I would Miss Granger, if the crazy old coot hadn't confiscated it before class in fear of me losing my temper during the lesson and harming a creature," yells Snape back hysterically.

"Ah yes of course, a wand!" says Dumbledore with an enlightened expression on his face as if the idea has just dawned on him. With a simple wave of his wand, the thestrals vanish, taking with them the disorder they brought.

All of us students look at him incredulously. Why didn't he use his sodding wand in the first place? People are panting and sighing in relief. I see Susan fling herself into Harry's arms, and cries of happiness are heard all around.

In the relief that ensued we almost forgot about hunting down Dumbledore until we heard Snape's cries.

"Wait come back here you unbalanced old fart. Come back!" calls Snape a second too late as Dumbledore hastily vanished to escape the angry students and murderous looking professor.

"Class dismissed," snaps Snape and he makes his way after Dumbledore as we all scramble to leave.

"Not so fast Messrs. Malfoy and Weasley, and you Miss Granger. I haven't forgotten about your detention, and you can serve it right now by restoring the quidditch pitch to its normal state," orders Snape.

I sigh, but I know that it won't be too hard with magic. Pretty soon only Ron, Malfoy, and I are the only ones left on the wrecked pitch. Clumps of grass are strewn all over and much of it is uprooted.

We get to work in silence, only to be broken by Ron in a few minutes time.

"Hey you guys want to hear a joke?"

"No," I reply brusquely.

"It's really funny though."

"I said NO Ronald,"

"Anyway say knock knock."

I refuse to do so as I told him I told him I didn't want him to tell me a joke. Draco complies however.

"Knock knock."

"Come in," says Ron and keels over with laughter.

"Someone shut him up please," I groan with a roll of my eyes.

"Gladly," Malfoy and stuffs a clump of grass in Ron's mouth.

We carry out the rest of our detention silently.

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**Whew. That was a really long chapter. Hope it was entertaining, and please please with a cherrry on top REVIEW.**


	7. Minnie's drugs and my death threat

**Sorry it has been so long. Two weeks! Here is another chapter for all you lovely people reading my story. Please do the review thing after you're done, it makes my day seeing reviews. Pathetic, I know.**

**Disclaimer: I obviously didn't write Harry Potter as I just failed my latest literature assignment... Partly because it was a week late, but oh well.**

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I am presently sitting in Transfiguration diligently taking notes…

Ha that was a good one Hermione, a real knee slapper.

Taking notes? My butt. Susan and I are _passing_ notes however. Discreetly of course, so as to not get caught. This is not as easy as it sounds however because Susan is lousy at catching notes… and throwing I observe as she sheepishly apologizes to a frustrated Blaise Zabini who has been woken up from his pleasant sleep courtesy of Susan's abysmal aim and a note on a crinkled ball of rolled up parchment paper.

I must give props to Zabini who isn't even that angry with Susan for hitting him with the note she was attempting to pass to me.

Malfoy notices we are passing notes because he is sitting right next to Blaise, and decides ever so immaturely to hold our note hostage. Actually he has just informed me in a loud whisper that he's holding it for ransom. In exchange for the note he wants my last sugar quill that is lime flavoured. The best flavour of all if you ask me.

"Too bad Malfoy," I mouth. "I ate it."

"You lie Granger. I see it peeking out of your bag."

"I'm not lying," I defend tallying my lies up to two, and quickly kick my bag so its contents will rearrange themselves and hide the sugar quill from view.

My kick is accompanied by a deafening snap as the quill breaks into two.

"Damn," I hiss.

"Tsk tsk tsk. Serves you right Granger you shouldn't have lied to me about not having eaten your last lime sugar quill."

"I didn't lie," I whisper back adamantly, determined to not give in to him.

"Whatever Granger. I guess I have to look at your note now," murmurs Malfoy with an exaggeratedly bored sigh. I know he is just burning up inside to uncover the juicy secret between the paper's crumpled folds.

"Ahem," Malfoy clears his throat quietly making it sound like he is burping instead.

"Phew Malfoy. That was a big one. Try to keep it in next time," I pat myself on the back mentally for the good insult. In fact I actually can't wait until Malfoy opens the note to see what it's about. The look on his face will be priceless.

Malfoy simply ignores my crack about his sound alike burp and starts to read the note. "Hermione wrote 'Hey Susan. Wanna here a joke' and Susan wrote back 'If I said no would it stop you?'"

HARHARHAR

"That was a good joke," says Luna wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.

Luna? I didn't even know she was listening to our conversation.

Blaise, Susan, Malfoy, and I exchange 'what a crazy bint' looks. This time we even exchanged looks without Malfoy and I retching. Our nonexistent relationship seems to be getting better.

"Er… That wasn't the joke Luna," I inform.

"Anyway…" says Draco continuing with the note. "Hermione wrote back 'What does a mad Draco Malfoy look like?' and Susan wrote back 'I don't know' and Hermione wrote back 'A Mad Drake. Like a mandrake'," he trails off feebly.

'Props to Hermione,' I think to myself, as Malfoy seems to be at a loss for words.

HARHARHARHAR

This time the laughter is coming from Susan and Blaise.

"That was a pretty good joke Hermione," says Blaise appreciatively.

"I don't get it," comes Luna's muffled reply as she currently has her entire head stuck into her book bag looking for something.

Malfoy is still shocked. He actually looks kind of offended. Should I apologize? NO Hermione don't go soft I tell myself.

"I do not look like a mandrake when I'm mad. Mandrakes are ugly, and I am hot," says Malfoy while pouting like a five your old.

Too right I think. You are hot. Ack I so did not think that. Bad Hermione.

"Uh, Have you looked in a mirror lately?" I ask hastily, trying to cover up the turmoil I'm dealing with in my mind.

Malfoy pouts even more.

"Oh for the love of turkenduck chill out Malfoy. It was just a joke," Blaise frustratedly sighs while waving an exaggerated hand that promptly smacks Luna's head that is still buried in her bag.

"Er… sorry Luna," apologizes Blaise.

"Mmphmph," comes the unintelligible reply.

"Turkenduck?" I ask.

"You've never heard of it? It's a mixture of turkey chicken and duck," explains Blaise.

"That was a mean joke Hermy," says Draco rudely interrupting the conversation Blaise and I were having..

"It was funny," argues Blaise.

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was too."

How immature. I'm surprised McGonagall hasn't noticed us yet.

"Was not."

"Was too."

"Was not."

"Was not."

"Was too."

"HA," yells a triumphant Blaise, pumping a fist in the air in victory.

"That's not fair you tricked me," shouts Draco as he stands up violently knocking a desk over in the process.

"Boys! Settle down this very instant," rings out McGonagall's sharp voice. "Honestly, you behave worse than my first years," she rages on and successfully subdues Blaise and Draco upon calling them boys and first years.

"I FOUND IT!" exclaims an exultant Luna, brandishing a jelly slug in the air that looks as if it has been in her bag for months. She promptly pops it into her mouth, much to the disgust of the rest of the class.

McGonagall is in a corner rubbing her temples tiredly. "Damn kids," I hear her mutter, and I am shocked. McGonagall swearing? Next think I know she'll be snogging with Snape in the corridor.

Ok bad mental images. Moving on then.

Suddenly the door bursts open and I turn around to watch Harry and Ron unsuccessfully attempt to sneak into their seats without being noticed by McG.

"You're late," barks McG. Funny, I recall Snape saying the exact same thing to Ronald today. Except for this time Harry doesn't say 'Who died and made you Captain Obvious'.

"The school clocks are three minutes fast," justifies Harry with a nonchalant shrug.

"You are twenty minutes late Messrs Potter and Weasley," enlightens our hopping mad transfiguration professor.

"Erm…" comes the intelligent reply.

"Detention. 8 o'clock tonight."

"But Minnie, don't be silly," Ron cajoles beseechingly.

"Minnie?" questions Professor McGonagall with a raised eyebrow.

Oh no. Ron do_ not _continue. Please do not explain to her why you called her Minnie I chant in my head.

Harry is frantically slicing his hand across his neck in an attempt to tell Ron not to explain the nickname to her.

Ron of course blatantly ignores Harry's warning.

"Oh you know Prof. McG. It's a nickname. We give them to all the cool teachers. You know Minnie, like Minerva?" Ron explains animatedly as Luna stares at him admiringly.

"Oh Ronald you are _soooo_ clever," Luna practically purrs as Ron puffs out his chest and smiles proudly at his genius for making up a 'clever' nickname.

"Make that two detentions for you Mr. Weasley," snaps Professor McGonagall who is obviously unimpressed by Ron.

"But,"

"That's enough Mr. Weasley."

Ron plops himself down on a chair with a noisy sigh. "The good guys always lose," he says with a sad shake of his head.

Minnie chooses to ignore Ronald and continue with her lesson.

"Today is a rather fun lesson," informs Professor McG. "Today you will be transfiguring daisies into chocolate. Those who succeed will get to eat their chocolate as a reward. Those who don't…" she trails off with a dark look.

That was just a _little_ creepy.

"Now, the spell is very simple…" trails off McGonagall as she sees Ron blow up a piece of parchment as he attempts to transfigure it into a quill. Mind you, that was a spell we learned as first years. "Perhaps it won't be that simple actually," corrects McGonagall after observing Ronald's poor transfiguration skills.

Ron, oblivious to her obvious mention towards him simply raises his hand.

"Yes Mr. Weasley?"

"Do you know any spell to get rid of singed eyebrows Prof McG?"

Minnie simply pinches the bridge of her nose and purposefully ignores Ron. I shoot him a sympathetic glance. I know firsthand what singed eyebrows feel like thanks to one of Neville's wrecked potions.

"The spell consists of two movements. A sweep and stab. _Choco-ater_. Now follow my wand movements class. A sweep and stab."

"OW you boob!" screams a voice in pain.

"Uh Ronald? I think when McGonagall said stab she meant stab the air, not a person," I clarify as Lavender whacks Ron repeatedly with her heavy transfiguration textbook. Her aim seems to have improved since the thestral and branch incident I note impressed, as she never misses Ron with her hasty smacks.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know," defends Ron pathetically with his hands up in surrender.

"Harrumph," replies a disgruntled Lavender as she sits back in her seat.

McGonagall simply rubs her temples again. "Get into partners and practice the spell please. Pick up daisies from my front desk. No, Miss Granger, I would like you to work with Mr. Malfoy today instead of Miss. Bones," orders Professor McGonagall short temperedly.

"But…"

"I don't want to hear it Miss Granger," she says in a weary voice. "I simply have got to take more of those pills," she mutters under her breath.

"You're on DRUGS Professor?" exclaims Ron loudly so that the entire class hears her mutterings. "You shouldn't do them Professor they mess with your mind. No wonder you've been a grouch this past week… actually month… no I mean since we've set foot into Hogwarts."

I slap my hand to my forehead. I seem to be doing that frequently lately.

"I am going to leave the classroom for a couple minutes, but when I come back, I expect all of you to be practicing the spell," barks a pissed off McGonagall. "By the way Mr. Weasley, if you must know the pills I take are for stress relief from students such as you," McGonagall grits out through clenched teeth as she turns on her heel and storms angrily out of the room with a slam of the door.

Silence falls.

"That's just what she wants us to _think_ the pills are for," stage whispers Ron for the entire class to hear. "I suggest we start an anti-drug campaign. We need to pull Minnie out of depression," he announces with a proud smile.

"How do you know she's depressed?" questions Blaise Zabini.

" Duh. Why else would she be doing drugs?" asks Ron with an are-you-stupid-or something look.

"Oh," responds Blaise with a nod as if Ron has enlightened him on the answer to a very difficult arithmancy problem.

"We can do that later Ron," I say humouring him for the moment. "Right now we should get started on practicing the spell." A murmur of agreement is heard around me, and everyone scrambles to McGonagall's desk to pick up a daisy.

Of course Malfoy and I get our spell right on the first try. Minnie was right. The spell was extremely easy.

At least for some of us.

"Choclater…no chococo…. Aterchoco…" struggles Neville without success.

BOOM

"IT'S ALIVE!" screams Blaise girlishly as he runs around in circles as a result if Ron's disastrous spell. Looking closer at what Ron has created I find that it's only a pigeon.

"Uh Blaise… It's just a pigeon," points out Draco with an incredulous expression on his handsome face.

Not handsome I meant ugly.

"I know," replies Blaise with a frightened expression while backing up against the wall. "But you don't know what they can do to you. Those eyes…" he explains while pointing two fingers at his own eyes dangerously as if he were to poke them out, and then pointing them at the pigeon that is innocently ruffling its feathers.

"Pathetic," I say with a shake of my head. "Evanasco." I leave Ronald and Blaise to sort out their own troubles.

Malfoy and I are once again 'companionship-ing' together watching the rest of the class struggle… again. This day seems to be extremely repetitive.

As my eyes wander around the classroom my eyes happen to glance at Malfoy's bar of chocolate sitting innocently on the tabletop. If I could just take it without him noticing…

I stealthily swipe his chocolate bar away while he is busy observing Neville's continued struggles. Yes! I am so glad he hasn't noticed yet.

Hermione you shouldn't think those kinds of thoughts too soon.

Malfoy turns around just in time to see me shove the bar of chocolate into my robe's pocket.

"Give it back."

"No."

"I said give it back."

"I know, and I said no."

"I'm going to tell on you."

"You wouldn't."

At that exact moment Professor McGonagall walks back into the classroom looking in a much better mood than she was when she left.

"Teacher. Hermione stole my chocolate," snitches Malfoy,

"I did not," I say quickly while hastily shoving the chocolate back into Malfoy's hands hoping that McGonagall won't notice.

"Detention Miss Granger."

"You little snitch," I say in outrage almost ready to throttle the life out of Malfoy. Two detentions in one day because of him. I mean we got the detention from Snape because of _his_ stupid idea.

"Ha," smirks Malfoy triumphantly.

"You too Mr. Malfoy. Both of you can join Mr. Weasley at 8:00 tonight."

At McGonagall's words Malfoy cowers and is subdued for the rest of the class. Instead of sitting in a corner and sulking like him, I leave my chocolate on my desk and go to help Neville whose hair is rapidly turning a canary yellow. Before I can even fix Neville's hair Professor McGonagall announces that class is over. Our homework is to practice the spell. Easy Peasy. Most of our class has it down now anyway.

I wander back to my seat and notice that somebody has turned my bag upside down and my broken sugar quill has fallen out and shattered into a million more pieces. I motion for Harry, Ron, and Susan to leave while I clean up my mess.

"Don't forget the anti-drug meeting we're having today in the Room of Requirement at 5:00," calls out Ron as he exits. I can't believe he's actually going through with this. Minnie is so obviously not on drugs. Right?

As I bend down to sweep the broken bits of sugar quill up I feel a whoosh of air over my head as if somebody is attempting to steal my chocolate bar off the desk.

"Stop in the name of everything holy," I shout and hold my wand in ready position. Nobody is in the room however, and my chocolate remains untouched.

Strange.

Suddenly I remember I'm a witch and with a simple 'Evanasco' I clear up my mess, pick up my chocolate bar, and walk out of the room while opening it.

As I do this, something flutters to the ground from the inside of the wrapper. It looks like a note. It is and it says…

_Roses are red _

_Violets are blue_

_You are a dirty mudblood_

And I'll kill you Be afraid be very afraid 

_J Ripper_

Ha. As if a note like that can scare me. I don't know who sent me this note, but I'm determined to find out who this coward is that can't tell me this to my face.

Besides, I'm pretty sure it's just a prank that Malfoy is playing on me….

Right?

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**El fin of this chapter. Pleeeeease REVIEW:P**


	8. Super Duper Spying Skills

Greetings readers. Here is another lightly amusing chapter. Err... well that's my goal at least. Anyhow, please REVIEW. I** see all these people on my favorites and alerts list, but most of you don't seem to review. PLEASE DO.**

**Reason #1:** I actually want to get to know my readers. Am I the only dork who does that? Believe me, I check out everyone who reviews for me. Plus I attempt to review all of their stories.

**Reason #2: **This is purely selfish. Reviews make me feel good. Yeah I know, selfish, but I hope you get over it.

DISCLAIMER: Wow this gets tiring doing it for every chapter. Harry Potter own I don't. Yoda I do not either.

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I have been thinking about my threatening note for a while now, and I have come to the decision that the only way to find out if the sender is Draco Malfoy is to observe him closely without his noticing. 

"Erm…" intelligently responds Harry after I tell him this.

"Isn't that just a fancy way to say that you're going to spy on Draco," Susan wisely decodes with a sharp look.

"That's one way of looking at it…" I reluctantly agree.

"To tell you the truth, I don't think Draco wants to kill you, and he doesn't seem the type to send death threat messages," defends Susan. "I don't think I want to help. Draco _is _my friend after all."

"But Susan, I _have to_."

"Well good luck with that. Susan and I are working on a Divination project together, and we need to study in the library," Harry quickly says, shooting Susan a let's-get-out-of-here-before-she-drags-us-in-too look. To this Susan nods in what I suppose she believes to be a discreet manner and apologizes half-heartedly to me.

"Sorry Mione, maybe next time. Besides, you always have Ron."

"Uh thanks I suppose…" I trail off noticing Ron in a corner trying to put a band-aid on his right elbow with his left hand.

"UGH! Why weren't we born with three hands? If I had three, I could use two to put my band-aid on instead of just one," comes a frustrated outburst from Ron as he fails once more to complete his task.

I gave Susan and Harry a pointed look to demonstrate that I wasn't going to get much help from Ron.

"Well then… Say did you hear someone in the library calling my name?" asks Harry "I'm pretty sure I did, so I better go then," he continues before I can interrupt to tell him that it is almost impossible for him to hear somebody calling him in the library from the Gryffindor common room. With those final words, Harry grabs Susan's hand and they whip out of sight.

"So much for friendship," I mutter under my breath. Maybe Ronald will be more sensitive to my plight.

"Hey Ron! Do you want to do something fun?" I ask with a sickeningly sweet smile. Ron still preoccupied with his band-aid task does not notice my scary smile.

"Sure Hermy. You know that I love doing fun stuff," comes his reply as he jumps swiftly to his feet, pasting a happy grin on his face and discarding the offending band-aid on the floor. "Erm… what exactly are we doing?"

"We're going to pay our little friend Draco a visit," I reply in what I would like to think of as a sinister manner. Ronald doesn't catch my drift.

"Yay! You and Draco are finally friends," he cheers.

"Um… NO."

"But you just said you were."

"I most certainly did not."

"Alright, but if Draco is not your friend, why are we paying him a visit?"

Sometimes I think that the force that creates human beings messed up by giving Percy twice the Weasley brain cells and Ron only half of that of a normal person.

"Let's just go," I say frustrated, and I yank him out of the common room by his elbow. "By the way Ron, this is sort of like a game," I slowly explain as though Ron is a five-year-old boy. Well he does act like one so…

"Ooooh What are the rules?"

"Well, there's only one rule and that is that we can't be seen."

"I get it, we are going to spy.That sounds like fun."

"Oh believe me it is," I reassure with a tinkling laugh that sounds very unlike my own. "Now if you do see Malfoy, stick out your wand and mutter the charm where you are invisible to the person of your choice. In this case it would obviously be Malfoy." I add just for safety precautions.

"Ok."

This spying thing is sort of fun. Ronald and I have gotten all into it. I like to think I resemble James Bond when I do this. I laugh out loud at myself.

"Shhhhh," warns Ron as he flattens himself against the wall and ducks. I follow his moves, crouching low and scanning the hallway with my wand.

"I hear someone coming," whispers Ron as he simultaneously writes in the air with his wand that we should be ready to use our charm soon. "One the count of three. One…Two…Three."

AAAAAAAAAAARG

"I am SO sorry," I apologize profusely to a petrified first year. Apparently the person coming around the corner was _not_ Draco Malfoy, but a midget of a first year innocently strolling down the corridor. Ron and I pretty much scared the crap out of the poor guy as we both sprang up and jabbed our wands at the little squirt.

"Dddon't worry. Ittt's ok," Little Squirt (as I have dubbed him) stutters and scampers from our sight.

Well that went rather well.

"I don't like this game anymore," states Ron crossing his arms in defiance. "It's no fun."

"Oh come on Ron it is fun. Besides you shouldn't feel bad that we scared Little Squirt."

But of course, I forget that Ronald is so easily amused.

"HARHARHAR you call him Little Squirt?"

"I do believe that is what I named him."

"It sounds like those names Native Americans have."

"I suppose so," I agree tentatively not liking where this conversation is going at all.

"Well my name in Native American-ese would be… Swift Wolf," Ron informs me with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"Erm…no. I do believe that name would be reserved for Remus."

"Why can't _I_ be the wolf for once. Is that too much to ask for?" demands Ron stubbornly with a stamp of his feet.

"Don't be such a baby Ronald."

"Fine. I can be Good Quidditch Player."

"How about you can be Stupid Wanker."

"Oh yeah, then you can be Lame-o Game Maker Upper."

"_EXCUSE me. _My game was not lame."

"Yes it was because guess what? We just LOST," yells Ron triumphantly pointing a finger at me with a gleam in his eye.

I whip around to see Malfoy looking at me with a smirk on his face. My expression melts into one of horror as Malfoy casually waves a small wave and walks over, hands in his pockets.

"Lame-o Game Maker Upper?" he questions with a raised eyebrow. "What were you playing?"

"Oh we were-" starts Ron.

"We were pretending to be-" I attempt to cut Ron off, but he cuts me off halfway through my sentence.

"Sp-"

I cough loudly in order to mask Ron's explanation.

"I'm sorry can you repeat that? I didn't quite catch it," queries Malfoy with a genuinely puzzled expression pasted on his face.

"Spoons," I say quickly.

"No Hermy, that wasn't what we were doing. We were-"

"SO MALFOY," I hastily yell loudly to cover up Ron. "What would you choose your Native American name to be if you could have one?"

Thankfully Malfoy just shrugs off my strangeness, and Ron is completely oblivious with my quick subject change, as he seems genuinely interested in what Malfoy would pick.

"I would choose Courageous Sphinx."

"I always knew you were a big pussy," I joke with a proud smile at my joke making abilities

HARHARHARHAR

Ron is finding this joke extremely funny and gives me an appreciative slap on the back that knocks the wind out of me.

"Oh yeah, well you should be… Geeky Bint," Malfoy lamely attempts to match my wit. This is an impossible task, and I inform him of this.

"I can so match your wit. Just watch I'll get revenge for this. Don't forget, I still have the rumour on my side," he reminds with another smirk and stomps away dignifiedly.

I groan at the reminder of the rumour that I am head over heels in love with Malfoy.

There is a short moment of silence as I wallow in self-pity. My whole spying plan is completely ruined for today. I didn't find out if Malfoy was the note sender or not. Plus, I think I have hit a dead end when it comes to Malfoy, because I am starting to doubt that he is the note sender. As Susan said, he doesn't seem the type, and he was nice to me just now until I insulted him. In fact, I'm almost 100 sure that Malfoy isn't the sender, and I'll have to start my search from scratch. ARGH. Why is he being so nice to me all of a sudden? Am I starting to like him as a friend? Why can't I just accept it?

"I'm sorry I called you a Lame-o Game Maker Upper," sheepishly apologizes Ron. "Your game wasn't _that_ lame."

Aaaaw. That is actually a sweet apology as it is coming from Ron.

"It's okay Ron. And you aren't really a wanker."

"Whaddaya say we go scare some pigeons in the pumpkin patch to celebrate our truce?"

"That sounds fun Ronald, really but…" I cringe at the images of Ron maniacally waving his arms and yelling 'you little buggers can't beat the Ron-sta'. "How about we go find Susan and Harry in the library instead. We could work on Operation Go Sloth some more."

Ron merely gives me a blank look at the words 'Operation Go Sloth'.

"Remember? Go Sloth? The one where we get Harry and Susan together?"

"Yes, yes. Of course I do," Ron attempts to convince me with an exaggerated wave of his hand.

"You don't remember do you?"

"No," Ron shamefacedly admits.

"It's just as well," I remark with a sigh. "I thought as much at breakfast when you couldn't remember what our code word for defenestrate was."

"Defenestrate. HEEHEE." For the love of Merlin make Ron stop. He is convulsing in giggles once again.

"Ron, I just might take back that comment about you not being a wanker…" I warn with a threatening finger.

"Sorry."

"Anyway, Why were you trying to put a band-aid on your elbow?" I ask amiably as we mosey down over to the library.

"STOP. We must be going to the Room of Requirement. Remember Minnie's drug addiction meeting? It's five o'clock right now."

"Okay Ron. Now tell me out about your wounded elbow." We turn around and start walking towards the Room of Requirement.

"I got a boo boo."

"Let me see."

Ron proudly shoves his wounded elbow under my nose. Strangely, the wound is in an odd shape, and it seems somewhat familiar…

"How did you get this Ronald?"

"Ahem… erm… well… you see, I was walking down the corridor when I heard a scream," Ron pauses for dramatic effect. "I rushed over to see what had happened, and I saw Neville being attacked by a furious Filch with a peeler. Just as Filch was about to peel Neville alive, I threw myself in front of him and got nicked on the elbow by Filch," Ron relates, getting more and more excited as he continues with his story. He finishes out of breath, eyes glinting.

"Ronald," I say in a fake agreeable tone. "Would you like to tell me the truth?"

"What are you on? I am telling the truth," replies a panicky Ron who is now frantically darting his eyes about and breathing loudly through his nose.

"Filch is on leave to take Mrs. Norris to a healer. Remember you set of a Weasley Whiz-Bang and burned off her tail?"

"Erm did I say Filch? I meant Snape."

"Ronald Weasley, I know for a fact that you can only get that kind of burn wound from a spell. Specifically from trying to open something that has been charmed _locked_. You wouldn't have been trying to open your sister's diary _would you?_"

Ron looks like he's about to pee in his trousers.

"I'm sorry Hermione, I won't ever do it again I promise," pleads Ron with imploring eyes. "I learned my lesson. My boo boo really hurts," he continues with a puppy dug pout.

"Fine Ron." What can I say? It's impossible not to give in to those ah-dorable puppy eyes. "Next time, Please do not feed me some cock and bull story. Just tell me the truth. Okay Ronald?"

"_Cock _and bull story. Cock," chortles Ron trying to suppress his giggles with his hand. I simply roll my eyes and pull open the door to the Room of Requirement. Boys can be so immature.

Everyone in Gryffindor and many Slytherins have showed up for the meeting. What a strange combination. Before the defeat of Voldemort this would have been unheard of, but strangely there is some inter-house unity now. Key word: some.

Ron walks up to the front of the room and clears his throat. "We are here today to discuss our dear Minnie's addiction to drugs. Our goal is to bring Minnie back from the dark side. Any questions?" Ronald presents in a very impressive business like fashion. He actually seems to be dead serious about this, as do many other people in the room. Susan and Harry are nodding gravely in agreement to Ron's words. I have come to the conclusion that I am surrounded by crazy people.

Blaise raises his hand. "I have a question. Will we get in trouble?"

Ron shakes his head condescendingly with a determined look. "If we do, remember that this is for a good cause, and this is a risk we should be willing to take for our professor's well being."

"True, chief," salutes Blaise.

"Now, our first step is to make posters to stick on the walls. I was thinking they should have slogans like 'Drugs make you look like bugs', or 'Don't do drugs Minnie, we all think you're skinny. Don't be depressed about your weight.', or maybe even 'COME BACK FROM THE DARK SIDE PROFESSOR MCG. Drugs are bad'. It doesn't really matter, you guys can do whatever you want," Ron dictates in a casual manner. He screws his eyes up in concentration, and poster making materials appear in front of everyone. After all this _is_ the Room of Requirement.

Everyone scrambles to work, and I actually see people frowning in concentration to create slogans for their posters. Am I the only one here who thinks this is a big joke?

I look at the blank sheet of poster paper in front of me, and quickly scribble out a slogan 'don't do drugs'. Then I decorate it with pictures of smiley suns as they are the only things I can draw properly. After I finish this, I scan the room to see people still working diligently on their posters. Even Draco and Blaise are focusing intently on finishing theirs. I decide to colour my suns in and do so painstakingly. Staying inside the lines isn't as easy as people make it out to be. I finish and look at my masterpiece with pride.

"Those are cute suns, but they make it seem like drugs are happy things," points out Susan.

"I'm not talking to you," I huff.

"Why? Because Harry and I didn't help you spy?"

"No, because you're always right. I don't think the note sender is Malfoy either." I take great care to say Malfoy, making sure the word Draco doesn't slip from my lips.

"Aaaw, don't worry Mione. Me, Harry, and Ron will help you find the real sender, kill them, and bring them back to clean the mess."

"Harry, Ron and I," I correct with a sigh. "I don't think we'll ever find the sender. I mean, I can't even think of any suspects."

"Don't worry we'll figure it out," consoles Susan.

"Yeah right," I mutter under my breath as Ron coming over to check on our progress distracts her.

"These are great guys!" exclaims Ron excitedly. "I almost forgot, we should find out what drug Minnie is really on and exactly why she is doing them. For that we will need a couple of spies. Kind of like what Hermy and I were doing today with D-"

"ALL RIGHT, who wants to be the spies?" I quickly cut Ron off.

"Me! Me! Oh pleeeease pick me!" begs Blaise bouncing on his toes.

"Okay Blaise you can be Agent X," appoints Ron.

"Can I be Agent B for Blaise?"

"How about agent Z for Zabini?"

"Okay," compromises Blaise.

"Now who would like to be Blaise's partner?" implores Ron.

"I guess I'll have to chaperone him," sighs Draco running a hand through his hair.

"Great, you can be Agent Courageous Sphinx," smiles Ron remembering Draco's desire for that Native American name.

Draco looks thrilled at this.

"I think we need one more person to help them. Someone experienced in this field…" Ron puts on his thinking face.

"I know Hermy, you can help them! You were great at this stuff today."

"Sure Ron. What should my code name be?" I say quickly to draw attention away from the fact that I was spying today.

"You can be Agent Defenestrate Demon. DD for short."

"Yippee," I sarcastically, pumping my fist in fake glee.

"Well folks, I think we did well today," comments Ron. "Now all we have to do is put these posters up. I suggest we all sneak out after curfew to do this so that nobody else will see them until tomorrow morning. Well then, I guess this meeting is over… Meeting dismissed. Oh and don't forget to put up the posters after curfew."

As people file out of the room chattering excitedly about how successful this whole operation of helping 'Minnie' is going to be, I stay back and watch them jabber with amusement.

I simply can't _wait_ to see McGonagall's face tomorrow morning. My gut feeling is it will definitely be a Kodak moment. I should definitely remember to bring my camera to breakfast tomorrow…

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Please review. All of you know that it takes a lot of hard work and effort to put a chapter up, and it's nice to see what people thought about your work. After spending more than a week on this chapter, I think that you all can give up one minute of your valuable time to review. 

Uh that sounded rude. I didn't mean too... sorry. But you catch my drift. REVIEW


	9. Authors Note

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Hey you guys! I'm really really really sorry that I haven't updated in so long, but I'm really busy with school stuff right now. I have decided to put this story on hold. For those who like this story, don't worry because I will definitely continue it once I get through this really busy time. Once again I apologize, and I leave you for now with something my ditzy friend said.**

**"Aren't greyhounds those white dogs?"**

**_says who_**


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